p o s h y

R E M O V E T H E B O X I N G G L O V E S

i constantly find myself in the boxing ring. my opponent, you ask? moi. i have beaten myself up for many years. through out the course of my life, based on social standards, i have never felt like i was where i should be. everyone else was, but not me.

i really want to treat myself with kid gloves, but the boxing gloves have found a home with me. it's been a long journey with much progress, but i'm not quite there yet. i grew up with circumstances that were beyond my control; no one could "fix" it. so i had to learn to accept it. i didn't want to. i felt it unfair. why couldn't i be like everyone else? why did i have to deal with these questions at such a young age? all i wanted to do was hang out with friends, be accepted for who i was, and enjoy school. instead, i had to soul search.

in hindsight, as a child, i allowed it to take over my world. i let it define me, constrict me, and tell me i was no good. i allowed it to hold me back. i lied about it. i tried to ignore it and i was ashamed of it. today i realize that it's a part of who i am, and it's all i've ever known. who would i be without it? i'm not sure that i want to know. it has informed every aspect of my life, but it's not my definition. i'm a daughter, a friend, a sister, and a student of the world; without it i would not be who i am today. it introduced me to empathy, sincerity, selflessness, acceptance, and kindness. it has taught me to never judge a book by it's cover. for this, i am forever grateful. given the choice, i would do it all over again, only i would be stronger. i would defend myself.

all of this took time. while friends went off to college, started careers, closed chapters, and started new ones; i was still stuck on chapter 1: ACCEPTANCE. in a way, i was lucky. most people never deal with this, and quite frankly, why would they want to? it's one of toughest chapters in this book titled LIFE. learning to love yourself, for_who_you_are, isn't easy. if you don't love and accept yourself, you will never be able to accept others. you will never see past the shell. in life you're dealt a hand, some hands are good, others not so good. you can choose to bluff your way through life, or choose to accept. for a while, i bluffed.

my college major was me. only with love and acceptance could i reach my highest potential.

over the years i've apologized to myself and others for not being "where i should be." i beat myself up every waking minute. sure, i could have buried it all and moved forward. i could have chosen to do the things the average kid is "supposed" to do: go to school, get a job, buy a house....but then what? i'm still stuck with me, and one thing i've learned in life is that wherever you go, there you are. there is no escaping you. do i still feel shame? sometimes. am i totally forthcoming about it? no. i will always be a work in progress. change doesn't scare me. the fact that i'm not perfect doesn't scare me. being afraid to look inside, now that scares me.